.tied up.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

my life.

rousie mousie's mummy told me today that i'm always happy.
"i'm always happy"
am i always happy?
i don't know.
i think i've got lotsa unforgiveness in me.
i can't seem to forgive people easily.
so everything builds up.
and i get puffed up with unhappiness.
but i always seem happy.
as so everyone says.
i don't know if i am happy anyway.
i think we lack communication.
i like to just shoot, shut up, and disappear.
like say something real blunt.
sit back.
shut out everything else.
i think i'm blunt.
i keep harping on the fact tt we all can't communicate.
and i can't seem to even try to.
it's like.
i'm forever tensed around you.
and the minute you open ur mouth, i get frustrated.
maybe it's also because u irritate me like crazy.
you say silly redundant things.
.r.e.d.u.n.d.a.n.t.
you belittle me.
you insult me.
you embarrass yourself.
you speak without thinking.
and i think a lot before i speak.
but i guess the choice of words is a little too harsh.
i always end up just summarizing all i want to say in one simple line, with piercing hard words embedded in it.
i realise i don't want to see you.
i rather just live my life not talking to you.
it's frustrating.
i realised the word "trust" is missing.
i was brought up with empty promises.
i was told to never volunteer for anything.
i was told to be a loner.
and live a life of a loner.
to not make friends.
to not spend time investing in lives.
i was brought up to be an independent social outcast.
i was brought up in fear.
everything i abstained from, was due to fear.
fear of being reprimanded.
not anything else.
just that fear of being scolded.
i like silence.
if you could provide me with silence.
i would be a happier person.
don't provoke me to anger.
don't say things that aren't edifying.
i wish i had a life without ur shrill voices.

i wish i had one day to myself.
to just lock myself in my room.
drink cold iced water.
sit at my window.
watch the rain drops crash against the ground.
reflect.
pray.
i need time on my own.
my life's just too packed for anything.

[ Jude whispered ][ 10:58 PM ]

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